I know I don’t say much.But the truth is… I’ve felt almost nothing.Not because I don’t care, but because it wasnever safe to feel.I learned to survive by staying numb Maybe that’s the real problem.When I met you, something in me softened.But also something panicked. Because I saw your heart wide open& mine still hiding behind walls I built as aboy.You came close & all I wanted was to stay.But I didnt know how. Because intimacy brings emotions & emotions were never allowed in my house growing up.You leaned on me, hoping I could hold you. But I was still learning to hold myself.When you needed reassurance, I pulled away.Not to punish you, but to protect myself.Because every time you came close,I felt a flood of emotions I never learned how to handle.I know you want closeness.I know your critics & complaints are reallyjust ways of saying,”I need to feel you. I need to know you’re here.”But when you come on strong, I shut down.I freeze. I feel like I’m drowning in expectations I never learned how to meet.When you say I don’t care, it cuts deep Because I care more than I show.But I’ve been wearing armor so long I forgot how to take it off.I never learned what safety felt like in loveOnly control or silence. So now when you speak your truth,I confuse it with being attacked. I retreat into myself Even when I want nothing more than to come closer.Sometimes I punish you for the wounds someone else gave me & I hate that.I push you away because deep down I thinkI don’t deserve someone who stays Because if you really saw me,The scared little boy inside,You might not love what you find.When you complain I hear “you’re not enough”.The shame sends me spiraling So I distance myself Not because I want to lose you But because I want to protect what’s left ofme. It’s not an excuseIt’s an explanation.It was never about you.It was about the parts of me I still haven’thealed.I’m trying.I really am.But I’m scared. That’s the part I need you to understand.I’m not running from you.I’m running from the parts of me I still don’t know how to face.
Written by: Blake Goldsmith
Leave a Reply